My (positive) Birth Story + fourth trimester challenges

Hello hello, and welcome to Episode 118 of Life On the Brink!

This past June I had the craziest, most surreal experience: I gave birth to my daughter. It's wild to recount everything, and that's exactly what I'm doing in this episode.
I was so fortunate to have a really positive birth experience, though not without challenges! Today I'm sharing all the ups and downs and unexpected things surrounding my labor, delivery, and early postpartum days. This whole experience has certainly been the most difficult thing I've gone through, but has been wholly worth it.

Plus, this week's Little Joy is a delicious autumnal recipe, and I'm sharing a nostalgic album of very cozy jazz.

For the complete show notes, click here!
For full transcript, click here!


Site: lifeonthebrink.live
Social: @anna_on_the_keys

Transcript

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Anna, welcome to Life on the brink, a lovely little place filled with inspiration and creativity that is dedicated to enjoying life one day at a time, I'm Anna, and together, we're exploring the beautiful things in this world that fascinate us and often discovering something new. Hello, hello and welcome to Episode 118, of life on the brink. As I'm recording this, it is a beautiful, crisp October day. It actually has a little bit of a chill, at least in the morning. I know it'll probably heat up later, but it looks like October. It feels like October, and I remember every year why I love this month so so much. I hope you are enjoying the start to the season. And I just want to say to those who listen faithfully, thank you for your patience. As I know this episode is coming out a week later than scheduled, things just get really busy and crazy, and time slips away when you have a baby, and so it's moved to this week, but I do still plan on having the next episode out next week as as it would have been originally scheduled. So you should only have to wait one week in between episodes this time, and I'm really excited about that episode, so I'm gonna try my best to make it happen for next week. I just want to keep this as a stress free fun project, continue it in a way that feels sustainable and enjoyable while still making it happen, having deadlines for myself, but sometimes needing to adjust the deadlines. So I appreciate you. Thank you for listening. By the way, today we've got a very, very for me. I think it'll be fun to recount, but interesting subject, I'm going to be recounting my birth story in full. I gave birth in June, and my baby's now a little over four months old, and I had a really excellent, positive experience. I found that as I was searching for other birth stories while I was pregnant that there were only three descriptors positive, a sort of neutral zone which was labeled as raw, or neither of those, which was labeled as traumatic. And I didn't watch any of those, so I couldn't tell you what, what those are like. So I'm including in the title of this episode positive, because, indeed, it was a very positive experience. I mean, definitely the most difficult thing I've ever done. But, you know, all around very positive. And as I said, I listened to and watched a lot of other people's birth stories when I was pregnant. And so if you are pregnant or or will be in the future, or hope to be or, you know, or just curious, this is my experience as a first time mom, first pregnancy, first childbirth. So on that cozy note, go ahead and make sure you have something nice and warm to drink. I usually pause at this point and say, to make yourself a nice cup of tea, but I have coffee today. I don't know what has happened. I am kind of a coffee person right now, like almost exclusively, I drink coffee about every day. I still feel as though the caffeine doesn't do a thing for me, because I can drink decaf or regular or none, and I feel the same, which is tired, but something about it is just really delicious and comforting to me right now. But I know it's always the winter time when tea comes back for me, but whether it's coffee or tea or whatever, cider, perhaps, go ahead and make yourself a nice cup of something warm. You can pause this, if you like, and just maybe spend five minutes intentionally to do something small for yourself, a little act of self care that I mean, making a warm cup of something on a crisp day. It never fails. And I think especially if you are busy or you have other people to take care of, that, taking just a few minutes to make yourself a small cup of tea or coffee is a really welcome pause. So I'll let you do that on your own time, and I'll sort of give a little overview of things leading up to my birth experience and then how it went. Of course, you can hear all of the leading up to it in previous episodes. I'll leave a link to those in the show notes. Episode 107 was. Was a pregnancy Q and A of like the first half, it was a 20 week recap. And then which one was it? Episode 114 was part two, in which I was in my third trimester and talking about birth plan and stuff like that. So I won't rehash all of that, but essentially, I was due on June 10. And I said that date so many times, because everyone would ask me, What are you due? And I always said, June 10. And while I was preparing, I was trying to prepare mentally for going 40 weeks and beyond. I was still, you know, very aware of the fact that especially at like 38 weeks, or something like it could be at any time. So I was just on guard, trying to assess every day, how are we feeling? Is anything changing? And in that last week, definitely things were starting to change. Oh, you know what? Let me give a disclaimer real quick. I will definitely be referencing normal childbirth vocabulary, which will be a bit anatomical. So if that's a bit TMI for you, no worries. I'll see you next week, but I won't be I don't think I'll be too graphic, but, you know, just normal things that are a part of every single childbirth, or a lot of them anyway. I know there are so many different symptoms leading up to birth and throughout, but buckle up. Here we go. Basically, I could tell that things just started to feel different. I just started to feel like some cramps and stuff like that. I kept waiting for her to drop because my whole pregnancy, I carried her very, very high, and I had a ton of heartburn, and you could see it in my Silhouette, and I was waiting because everyone said, like, she's gonna drop down low. She did that, I guess, like in the 12 hours, or like, the day before or something. Because I never, I remember, like, possibly the day before she was born or something. I noticed, like, Hey, this looks a little bit different, maybe. And I asked Josh, and I was like, doesn't this look a little bit different? And he was like, Yeah, I think so. So, you know, it wasn't a dramatic drop for me, but I just kept waiting, and I was trying not to get discouraged, but it was just, I feel like, especially as your first time doing this, you don't know what you're waiting for. You don't know what to expect. You don't know what's a sign that something is happening or not, and it's so different for everyone. So I think that unknown was the most frustrating part for me. I do remember, let's see, it was June 8. That was a Saturday. We went out to the farmers market, and I was so pregnant, and, you know, we had breakfast, and looking back, I'm really glad we did. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable, but I'm really glad that we did that. It's in my favorite place anyway. And we we went. My dad was testing for his provisional black belt that day, and so we went to the test, and I was doing my stretches on the mat. And everybody was like, Wow, are you? Are you due very soon? I was like, yes, in two days. I will say also that fortunately, I never got to the point where I was, like, so uncomfortable in my body that I felt like I where I like, I couldn't sleep, or where I was just like, so fed up, like I need this baby to be out of me. I never got there. I did have some back pain in my second trimester, but then that got sorted out, and aside from the swelling in my ankles, which was uncomfortable at times, I really never reached that point, which I'm very, very grateful for. And I kept stretching, and I kept walking, and I felt very mobile up until the end. So that was fantastic. And then I noticed I'm trying to like, this is also helping me to remember to recount these things. The next day was a Sunday, June 9, and I think I had a little bit of spotting or cramping, like, again, I could tell, okay, something feels different. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I was like, things are moving along a little bit here. So we stayed home from church, and we were just hanging out all day. I remember we watched Castaway in the middle of the afternoon, because it's like one of Josh's favorite movies, and it was just an interesting afternoon. He gave me a little presentation. He was teaching me about standard deviation because I was getting discouraged again, that, like, when is this baby going to come? Because I kept thinking every day, like, when something was shifting, like something feels different, maybe this is it. Maybe this is going to be the start of and then nothing would happen. And so he was like. Uh, graphing the probability of me giving birth on my due date and how small that is. And he was like, You're doing great. This is going to be so fine. And we went to my parents house that evening, and I remember being like, pretty grouchy, but at this point I was sure that I had or was losing my I was losing, or had lost my mucus plug, and so that I was like, okay, something's happening. Things should progress. And basically the next 36 hours after that is just a story of me being like, I think this is, this is the beginning. This is happening and and hoping and thinking that things were moving faster than they were. So I was trying hard to chill out, but it was, it was difficult for me, not gonna lie. So Monday, June 10, my due date, Josh, stayed home from work, and really, all I remember about that day, during the day was I went for a walk. I was talking to one of my friends on the phone, and I was just trying to keep moving and and just waiting to see if anything had happened. Oh yeah, I remember, I think that night, like the night before, early in the morning, I had felt what I thought was contractions, which was just like some cramps at intervals, basically. But then by the time I woke up on Monday, they had stopped, and I felt completely normal. So I was walking trying to hydrate. Everything was packed for the hospital. I was trying to make sure that things in the house were in order the week before, or like two weeks in those last two weeks, I did a ton of deep cleaning in the house and a lot of meal prepping. And I'm so glad I did those things. They really came in handy afterward. But you know how when you go on vacation, I don't know if anyone else does this, I really like to tidy the house right before leaving so that when you come back, it's not a mess. I did that like times 10 because I knew it was going to be just like all bets were off when we came back home. So we go about the day, and that evening, my sister and brother in law came over just for some variety for me, I'd just been basically home for a few days. And it's funny, they went home at about 10pm and it was around that time, like within, I would say, 30 minutes, that I started feeling contractions. And I got one of those apps. I just downloaded it that day, the contraction timer app, and was keeping track of it. And I would say it was probably I tried to go to bed, but they, they kept showing up, and I was timing them. And so the rule is, if you're unfamiliar, you're supposed to time your contractions until they are five minutes apart and at least one minute in length each contraction. And do that for an hour at least. That's the rule at my hospital, and that's what I was waiting for. So all through that day and that evening, I'd been texting with our doula, and I it was around midnight or so that I or I think, closer to 1am that I was texting with her, and I'm like, they're getting closer together. I could feel them a lot more. And so she came over, and this was all under the umbrella of early labor. Little did I know how long it would last. But the thing is, online, when it says early labor, things to do, it's like, rest, eat, shower, watch a movie, maybe try to sleep, if you can. I could do none of those things. I and I'll talk about it later. I tried to sleep, and that was impossible. I was just basically working through these contractions from 10pm till about 2am at some point in there, a doula came over and and she was doing some what do they call it? Like, pelvic squeezes, like on my back, and I was on the birthing ball and had my little playlist going. It was very quiet, very peaceful. Josh was with me, and things then started to, I thought, pick up, you know, again. This is the trend for me. But they started to get a little more painful, and it was five minutes apart, or even less sometimes, and it had been like an hour and a half. We waited an hour and a half, and I was like, Okay, let's go to the hospital. Let's see. Because I just, for me, it was really difficult not knowing where I was. And in hindsight, like my Doula, her name's Yvonne, so I'll just call her Yvonne. She she she knew that I was not as far along as I thought I was, but again, I didn't have any other anything to go off of, and she was gonna do whatever I decided. So we go to the hospital. We call my mom, we call my mother in law, like it's how what time is it? It was about 230 by the time we come. Out there. And then I learned that I can only have one person with me in triage. So of course, Josh comes with me, but then Yvonne is not there to do the pressure on my low back. And so basically they checked my cervix and I was only two centimeters dilated, and they do not admit you until you're like six or they didn't again at my hospital. So they said, let's wait an hour and see how it goes. And so I'm getting tired, getting hungry, and so I'm like, trying to snack a little bit. And eventually I was walking around because that was the only way that I could get through them, because it was painful. Like, at this point I was like, something's got to be happening. And whenever I could feel a contraction coming, it's super strange, because before I was wondering, like, how am I going to know? Like, what is it when people know a contraction is coming? But I did. It was a lot in my back, in my lower back, I could feel this pressure, and I knew that another contraction was on the way, and so Josh did his best to try to squeeze my hips and to help me, and I had combs of squeezing on the combs, if you're like, What is she talking about? It's a technique where you basically squeeze tiny hair combs into your palm and that pain slash pressure sort of focuses your brain elsewhere, and it's sort of just like a technique for getting through pain. So it was a it was a tough hour. Not gonna lie, I ended up pacing a lot, and then they came back in, and maybe we got there closer to three, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm correcting myself as I'm going through this. We got to the hospital around three, and then I was waiting from about 320, to 420, that's what it was. Because they said, let's wait an hour. They checked me again. I'm still only at two centimeters, so they were like, You got to go home. And then she says, the nurse who checked me says, Don't worry, things are definitely moving. We would really expect for you to be back here within 24 to 48 hours. And I was so discouraged at hearing this, because I was tired. I thought things were moving. And I was like, 48 hours? Are you kidding me? Like, how long is this part gonna last? I didn't say these things. I just cried instead. And another thing at this point, little Zoe had dropped, I guess, immediately, because when they were checking my cervix, that was extremely painful before I was more dilated because her head was basically, like, right behind it, and so it was all very compressed, and before I was more dilated, like, the checking of that was excruciating, like, I don't know I was just saying, but so then later, when they were gonna check again, I was afraid of that. But then it didn't hurt at all. But they said, You go home, don't worry. Try to rest. So I had a good cry on the way back home. And Josh was trying to be, you know, as encouraging as possible. Yvonne came back to our house and my parents and everything, you know, of course, they were like, don't worry. Like things are happening, like we'll be back here before you know it. And they were right, we were there very soon, and so then I lay in the bed, I took some ibuprofen, and it was about 530 and I was just going to try to sleep or doze in between contractions, that was the plan. I did not sleep at all. And this is why I feel like I had a skewed vision of early labor, because it was about 12 hours long for me, the early labor, and it was more intense than I thought, than I thought it would be, and I was thinking, by this time, by this level of pain, I'll definitely be able to be on some medication of some kind. But I was in bed trying to let Josh sleep, because there's really no reason to keep him awake, and trying to use the combs and breathe, and it just wasn't working. So around 8am I got up and I was trying to move a little more. And eventually I found that standing in the shower with the hot water on my back was really helpful. And I was able to do a little bit of, like a rocking motion side to side. And that sort of helped. And I put pressure on my back with my hands. And so I found, like, Finally, a way to consistently get through contractions. So now here's the hilarious thing we the next day, which was June 11, we had already scheduled our next group prenatal session, so I was like, we're we gotta go because I got nothing else there. I have no idea what to do at. Point, I was just, I felt like I was in limbo. So we get ourselves up, we go to this group session, which was also just our normal prenatal appointment, and I'm, I'm just trying to sit in the chair, and I'm explaining how the past, at that point, 10 hours had gone, or 11 actually, since the night before, and the nurse midwife was like, Okay, well, I can see you're in, you're clearly, you're visibly in labor. And she's like, if you'd like, we can check you again now. And I was like, please, like, tell me where I am. And so this was at around, I'd say just after 9am and the last time I got checked was at almost 430 so it's been about four and a half hours, and I am now dilated at like five, five and three quarters, like almost six centimeters. So a lot happened in that span. And of course, there's also a lot of other factors involved. I was, I don't remember the percentage of, like, how effaced I was, but it was pretty thin. And, like I said, baby girl was already in position, and she was, like, at this point, they could admit you if they're not slammed. So she calls the hospital and they're not slammed. And so she lets them know that we're gonna just head straight over there and and so we can finally go back to the hospital. So I really was only gone for about five hours, and then I was back. And so from 10pm to 10am that was really like early labor, and by the time we got to the hospital, then I would say is when things transitioned into active labor, which is kind of what they that's how they operate. But I just didn't anticipate that portion I was in early labor longer than I was in active labor, and the rest of it, maybe that's common, but I didn't expect it to be so long, and also as intense as it was, so that was just, you know, my experience and and how things went for me. And so we went by Tropical Smoothie, because, again, I was just like burning through calories and staying hungry, but yeah, having to just work through all these contractions. And got to the hospital. Fortunately, we bypassed everything, and we went up into the the ward, the section for delivery, and they already knew we were coming. They was like, oh, okay, that's you. Would you like the last tub room? And I said, Yes, I would. And that was really nice. I didn't know. I wasn't gonna request a tub room if it wasn't available, you know. But they said, Would you like it? And I said, I'll take it. By this time, we'd also called everybody back up, and we're like, we're headed to the hospital for real this time. So shortly after, my mom met us there, and it went on from there, a really cool thing that happened within like 30 minutes of me getting checked into our room was there was a woman who was just volunteering there, and she had a, what is, what would you call it? She had a dog with her, and it was a, not like emotional support, maybe it was emotional support dog, and she was just taking it to all of these different like wards in the hospital. His name was Kirby, and he was a little, I think it was a golden doodle, and it was so sweet. So I'm in my hospital gown, petting this dog, and it was just a really sweet moment. And I wasn't even thinking of anything like that, but it was just a cool little, you know, little something. And so let's see. We got checked in around 10am and over the next well, immediately I had everything checked, obviously, all my vitals and all the monitors for the baby and all that stuff. And fortunately, everything was looking just fine, so that I didn't need to be monitored all the time, which meant I could use the tub. But I also went ahead and had an IV put in, and they got all my blood work done, so that if when I wanted the epidural, they didn't have to do all that. At that point, I was like, Let's knock this out of the way so that it doesn't take up time later, and then every hour they were pretty much just checking on me. There's one nurse who was with me the whole time. Her name was Julianne, and it's like thinking about it after the fact. It's really amazing. Nurses are amazing, and she was for those hours, just completely her presence was so reassuring, and she was so calming and encouraging and and was there for, like, a momentous moment in my life, and that's just her day at work. So I just I gained a whole new perspective, and. Appreciation for nurses. This is my first hospital stay. This was my first time of getting admitted or having anything done like I've been fortunately, very fortunately, not in the medical sphere whatsoever. So I got to just have a new level of appreciation on this day. So I ended up laboring in this tub for a few hours, and it was around 1212, 30, if you recall, I was about six centimeters when I got checked in. And at about 12 or 1230 they checked me again, and I was at like, seven, seven and a half centimeters, and like, almost completely effaced, and like, like, very progressed kind of quickly. And Yvonne said after the fact that she was, like, really surprised at how, how well I was, like, managing things at that point, at seven and a half, and I had this moment where I was laboring in the tub, and Josh was on one side of me, and Yvonne was on the other. And I had this moment where I was like, do I just do I just push through? Do I just do this without an epidural? And I'm glad that I didn't, for me personally, it was the right call to say, let's get the epidural. And I was very emotional at this time, understandably, just like a lot of hormones and and so I said to Yvonne, I was like, there's a part of me that feels like I'm letting you down if I get this epidural. And she was like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, don't even think that. And Julianne was also there, the nurse, and they were both like, no, it's, it's whatever you want to happen in this moment, like, however you want to go about this. And I just really like my entire hospital experience was It was lovely because I had no health concerns. It was really like whatever I wanted to do. So I said, let's go ahead and get the epidural, because things were starting to pick up again. So had to get back in the bed, obviously. And it was somewhere around two, I would say about two o'clock, 230 in. This is the fuzziest part of the whole labor experience. Was this pocket of time. I know that it still took a little while. Then the anesthesiologist had to come in and give me the whole rundown. And then, as he was actually doing the epidural. It was probably somewhere between 230 and three, and things really started to get, like, another level of pain. And so I was glad that that was the time I was getting the epidural. It took like, a couple tries. Something about, I don't really remember what he was saying, but something about vertebra, something I don't know. All I know is that you had to stick it a couple times before it took and that was fine. And so then, fortunately, I was able to sleep. I probably slept for maybe like two hours or so. But here's an interesting part, as things as the epidural was sort of like, get, like, getting set up and and it was already in my spine, but just, you know, I was waiting for the meds to kick in, and it wasn't, and I was like, I can still feel everything now, fortunately, again, at this hospital, you can crank it to, like, as much as you'd prefer, but ideally not so that you're numb. And I didn't want that. But this is an interesting thing that happened. The nurse, like, checked my dosage and all this stuff, and then she put this little button by my head, and she was like this, if you press this, you can press it every 15 minutes, we'll send another little dose through the epidural, and, you know, another, like, dose of the meds. And I could stop whenever I wanted, and or every 15 minutes could hit it. So I did this, like twice, because especially on one side, I was still feeling it a lot. And then probably, like, an hour after I got it, things really started to ease. And then I forgot about that button, and that will come back, but I slept for probably about an hour, hour and a half. So it was near five ish, I would say, and I was eating Italian ice and broth. I was on liquids at that point, and and then I was feeling good. There was a little stretch of time there in the early evening when I switched the playlist over to some of my favorite jazz tunes, and I was feeling good and just sort of grooving and waiting to see how things were going. And my water still had not broken so they checked my cervix, and I was at nine centimeters, like nine and a half, like pretty much almost there. And so they said, If we break your water, it'll probably just, you know, wrap this up. And so another cool thing that happened was I was like, Okay, let's go ahead and break the waters. And the doctor that was there. Her happened to be the same doctor that I saw in 2023 when I had a little I had just had a little, like preliminary visit. I was trying to get pregnant, and I just wanted to know, what do I do if when that happens? And it was this same doctor, and so she happened to be the one at the hospital that day. And I was like, you probably don't remember me, but we met once, and and now you're here. So they broke my water, and they were like, Let's wait an hour. Wait until you feel this like pressure. And that will, you know, it's letting you know that it's time to push. And again, fortunately, little girl was already in position, and so, you know, got emotional again, because it's just been a long time, and I was, you know, still tired, and just like, just feeling surreal in that in that moment, in that space, and then about 730 No, no, no, no, she was born at 730 so back this all up by like, an hour. You see how, like, the the timelines get a little fuzzy, but yeah, I got the epidural in the middle of the afternoon. Slept a little while, then they broke my water. It would have been actually about 530 and then at 630 they checked me. They're like, you're good to go. We're gonna start, you know, pushing soon. And it was about 645 Yeah, because I pushed for like 45 minutes. And here's another thing that was like news to me, is that you just sort of push whenever the contractions come. And my contractions never got any closer together than five minutes, like they didn't get in smaller and smaller increments, so that it's just sort of like a continual thing, like it is for some people. So they were always five minutes apart. So for like 45 minutes I was pushing during the contractions, and then there was like space, and there'd be a couple minutes where I would just sort of catch my breath and just sort of look around. And it was kind of strange, but also fine. And so then, if you would recall, there was that little button by my head that would have administered more meds, and that would have been a great time to push that. I forgot about that. And so after about 45 minutes, I don't know exactly the timeline of this, all I know is that Zoe was born at 7:27pm, and the last, I would say, five minutes leading up to that was tough, definitely more painful than I ever thought it would be, especially because I was on medication, and a couple of times they let me, like, feel her head, because I was like, Is anything happening? Like, literally, it feels like nothing's changing. And they're like, no. Like, every time it's, you know, progress. And then little girl also had her hand up by her face, so when her shoulder was trying to, like, work its way out, it wasn't as seamless, but it wasn't nearly the pain of, obviously, the the her head coming through. Yeah, Josh was there, Yvonne was there, my mom was there, my mother in law was there. And, oh, I also forgot there was a shift change that happened at, like, probably around seven or so. And so there were, like, I don't know, seven different nurses in at one time or another. And then they had to get, like, the nurse midwife who was on call to come in to, like, do the actual delivering. And so Julianne, who had been with me all day, stayed past her shift, to stay with me until, until she was born. But then there were also lots of new nurses, and in the moment, I feel like I was very present. I was aware of what was going on. In hindsight, it's a little bit fuzzy, but I distinctly remember when she was born. Yeah, it was 727, and they put her right on my chest, and I just felt so happy, like I didn't I thought I was gonna cry or burst into tears. My mom did. She cried and cried and cried and cried, but I was just laughing, and it was such a joyful moment for me. And I don't remember what Josh was doing, but I remember somebody saying, like, you did it. You did it. You did a great job. And and she was just on me more or less, for, like, the first hour. Then they went and weighed her and stuff. And we're doing trying to get as much done at the same time as possible. I did tear a little bit in a couple different places, but it wasn't anything super it wasn't like degrees of tearing. It was it was very minimal. But I did have a Peri urethral tear, which I didn't know you could tear up there, but that was a little bit painful getting sewn up again. Should have hit that button. Her for more medication. But she was fine. She was great. They weighed her, they they measured her and and she latched pretty instantly. It was a crazy hour, and at this point, like so much of my family, had congregated outside, and it was probably around 9pm that we were being transferred from the delivery room to the other side of the of that floor, which was like postpartum and and so I remember it was like 930 when I finally got to eat something. My uncle had picked up Chick fil A for me and Josh, and it was the most delicious. And I was just, it must have been all of the oxytocin, or whatever, like, I felt such a high. I felt so happy just to look at her, yeah, and she was, she was nursing pretty instantly. I mean, you know, there was, like, you know, colostrum, but it took a few, like, four or five days before my milk really came in. And that was a little bit, you know, stressful waiting for that but, but she had no problems latching, which was amazing. And so many members of our family just came in really quick to just see her, and then we would see them again in the in the few coming days. And for me, that felt so good. As soon as she was born, I was like, everyone needs to see her. Everyone needs to know how perfect she is. And I know that could be overwhelming for some other people, but, but for the family that was there, it felt really good for them to see her. Yeah, and I had my my Chick fil A, and, and it was great. It was wonderful. I feel like, for me the amount of time that I had before getting the epidural, really helped to move things along, and then I had just enough time to rest. And the only thing that I would have changed was I would have hit that button when it was time to start pushing, because I was really in control of the amount of medication I was on, and I would have put myself on more at that time, but it was really fantastic. And like I said, I'd never stayed in a hospital before, so obviously, you know, every hour or so a nurse came in to check on me or check on the baby and all of that. And so from Monday night, which was the night I was in labor, to Friday, when I went home from the hospital, because it was Monday night and we were there Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Oh, no, so it was Thursday, it was three nights in a row, including that hour that I slept after I got my epidural. I probably slept a collective maybe five hours in those three nights. But I was shocked at how I would just be able to power through. The nights were tricky because she was very hungry, and we didn't really know how to go about it. I chose to breastfeed, and I was able to breastfeed, but we did end up supplementing with some formula in those first few days after she was getting as much colostrum as she could, then we were giving her some formula. But then by the end of that week, by Sunday, I was able to transition to just breastfeeding, and that was just beautiful. She was able to take to the breast to a bottle milk, formula, whatever like, pretty seamlessly, and that was just a real blessing. But yeah, like I said, The nights were hard, so when I would see the beginning of the Dawn creeping through the window, I would feel relief, because I thought, at least it's it's not night. I can feel more optimism when the sun is out. But I was exhausted. I did take a shower in the hospital because and that, like made me feel like a new woman and and I was able to heal easily, like I had no complications whatsoever. Zoe was perfect, like it was really an ideal scenario, which puts everything into perspective for me, because it was really hard adjusting, and I'm someone who is very supported with a partner and a family, and I had no health or recovery issues, and my baby was perfectly healthy, so I can't even imagine throwing in something, any one of those factors being changed or switched and and the challenge that that must be for so so many women. So I'm just really, really blown away by people who, who I know have had different experiences in this. But also I'm very grateful for the experience that I had, and yeah, for the next several weeks, I was just basically at home. We would venture out maybe on the weekend. But I recall when Josh and I came home from the hospital, my mom and my grandma had made a beautiful charcuterie spread for us because. We were so hungry, and I got to eat all the things that I couldn't eat when I was pregnant that I was missing, such as smoked salmon, blue cheese, prosciutto, stuff like that, stuff that I avoided. And I haven't stopped eating blue cheese since, like, it's been so good to me. I remember my first sushi order after giving birth as well. That was legendary first sip of wine. It's there is something really nice about a period of abstinence, I think, from anything that makes the return that much sweeter. And I'm so, so glad that I gave birth in June and had basically the whole summer to recover and adapt. It was right at two months when I started to go back to any sort of work, and I think I needed every bit of that two months Josh, because of his work situation, he hadn't been at his job long enough to get the parental leave of like six weeks. So he was off. He took all sick leave possible, I think it was like a week or two, and then he was able to work a little bit from home, and then work in the office. And my mom was with me, like pretty much every other time, and lots of other family members, and, oh, we had a delightful meal train, just people rallied, and have been so, so generous and so now whenever anyone I know has a baby, I'm the first to sign up on that meal train, because I I felt so supported and loved and just not having to think about dinner, food feeding myself during those first few weeks was such a help, and so I can't wait to to pay that forward with the people around me. And truly, I feel like the term fourth trimester is apt, even though I know trimester implies three, really the first three months. It's just, it's it's like, I hate the word survival in this situation, because it sounds like every moment is, every moment is a struggle. Every moment is, you know, difficult and and unenjoyable. And that's not the case, but, or it wasn't for me. But I mean survival in the way that it's just about adapting. It's not about trying to get anything else done. It's just about the time with your baby and and making sure the baby's okay, just learning and adapting. Because I always get into like, what, what sort of habits Am I forming in myself, in Josh and the baby, and there's no room for that, really. It's just about, what does she need right now? What do I need right now? And so only after that three month mark do I really feel like I was able to mentally get into any sort of flow, actually, which means it's only been about a month. Only at about three months do I feel and this, this is being honest, at the three month mark or thereabouts, I felt like I was really able to enjoy having a baby. And I know that some people may thrive more in that stage of like infant and baby. I don't know if that's me, and a friend of mine was encouraging me that like that is completely okay. Like this is a sacrificial time, and if you're not thriving in it, the way some others do, that's totally fine. But now, at four months, I feel like I've gotten a little bit better at just letting go and letting it be what it is in certain situations. Anyway, I do feel like I've been able to return to some creative pursuits, this podcast included. And I feel like I really enjoy being with my baby. She can laugh, she can smile, she can interact with me. I feel like I know her a little bit more. I have positive feedback as well as negative feedback from her, because at first I was like, it's only crying or it's neutral. I don't know how to feel. And I feel like our life with her just feels it feels more natural, feels more complete, and I know it's only going to get more so. So, yeah, I would just encourage anyone who was in that situation, or when you're in that situation, that that high, that I felt in the hospital, of just looking at her and I couldn't believe she existed and and I just loved her so much, not feeling that for months completely fine. I feel like it's it's got to be hard for everybody, and perhaps the transition from one child to two will be a little bit easier, just because I've been through it ever a student of history, I was trying as hard as I could to absorb people's encouragements and try to really let it sink in. And be like, it's gonna be fine. It's going to be fine. Everybody says so. Everyone has children. But I just, I think there's only there's some things that only experience will will let settle into my soul. You know, where once I have gone through it, then I know that I can go through it, because as much as my head tells me you can get through it, or it will be fine. It will be enjoyable. It's hard to feel it here and there. We have had challenges with breastfeeding, with Zoe gaining weight, and that's been a very emotional journey for me. But then I will have moments where I feel I am rested, and I can see more clearly that she is fine, really, if anything, I've been able to identify more clearly in myself. Like, am I feeling very overwhelmed right now? I'm probably tired, and if I sleep, then I will just feel differently, like nothing will have changed about the circumstance, but I will feel so much better about it if I'm able to sleep. She currently sleeps stretches of about three hours, sometimes four hours. Of course, she's hit that four month growth spurt slash sleep regression, so we'll see how it goes. But there have been nights where she has slept five or perhaps a six hour stretch, and those were amazing. And I've, I've completely stopped, like, trying to track that and look at the data and be like, what happened? How did, how do we replicate that? I'm not doing that anymore. She will be fine, and I'll just check in with the pediatrician and keep trying to figure it out, because it'll be in her own time. So that is the gist of how she came to be, how I became a mother. And it is incredible to think about the fact that I have already been pregnant, and I am not pregnant anymore, and I went through childbirth that doesn't feel real, and yet it completely happened. And as I'm trying to relay these details in this podcast, more is coming back to me, and so I'm glad that I'm at least able to record it in this way so I don't forget. But Oh yeah, I guess I could have included she was seven pounds, eight ounces, and 21 inches long, I believe. And yeah, she

was born 7: 47:29

27pm, on June 11. And she's perfect. She's really, really wonderful. And so I hope that the story is encouraging if you are pregnant or hope to be at some point. And I'm just continually amazed at the fact that she's part me and part Josh, and she's a whole person. So it's the start of her journey with us, and I'm really glad that I was able to record it and share it in this way. So now, with that done, I'll be right back with this week's little joy. This Week's Little joy is kind of a two parter, but they go together. I made a cake last week, and it was legendary. And so this week's little joy is the recipe developer of said cake, but I will also share the actual cake. The you can find her on Instagram. She's a baker. Has a cookbook out already, but she's young. She might be younger than me. I don't know how old she is. Her name is Audrey, but her Instagram handle, and website is called red currant bakery, current, as in the fruit. And she's German, but living in America, I don't know if she's German American or just moved here, I don't know, but she's got a cookbook out of delicious recipes. They look so good, very German inspired, and I made a recipe of hers that is a pumpkin coffee cake. Wow. It is divine. It has a layer of a mascarpone yogurt vanilla filling and then a streusel topping. That is ridiculous. I love streusel. It turns out, one thing I did learn is that I definitely, definitely need to put parchment. When I'm using a springform pan. I'll just latch it in between the bottom and the side ring, because that made the transfer a little difficult for me. But this cake is amazing. I made it even with gluten free flour, like the Bob's Red Mill one to one, because I was making it for a group and someone was gluten intolerant, and so it worked out perfectly. It's a delicious, delicious cake, and her recipes are so interesting. She recently made a. Cardamom orange babka, like, Are you kidding? And she's always making cake and drinking coffee, and it just it looks so cozy. And I don't know a lot about German pastry at all, so I'm really excited about this new season where I can get into a different cuisine when it comes to baking, but I'll leave a link to her website, which is also called red currant bakery, and you can find her cookbook and all of that stuff. But this pumpkin coffee cake was so so so good. Her recipes are in metric, or at least this one was, and so I it took me a second because I had to weigh everything out. And I'm not used to it, but I really want to get used to it. I think that my metric baking era is imminent because I think it will actually be easier in the end, and it's just more precise, and I can finally make a whole lot of recipes that, you know, sometimes you you think you're going to make something, and then you look at the recipe and it's in gram that you're like, do I want to do all that? Like, do I want to do all that? Yeah, I want to do all that now. So that is this week's little joy. It like, just trust me, like you need to make this cake. It is legendary. And now let's transition to an album of music. This is the coziest one. I can't remember if I've ever shared this on the podcast, but it's what Zoe and I have been listening to a lot as of late. It is the soundtrack to When Harry Met Sally, which is exclusively by Harry Connick Jr, at least the this, like the album version it. I love Harry Connick Jr as an artist, like just I, I I love it. And there's some tracks where he's just at the piano, and then many of them he's singing. And it's so cozy. It is nostalgic, because it's attached to this movie, and it's just a really good autumn album. It has the song, but not for me on it, which is just so melancholy and pretty. Yeah, I highly recommend giving it a listen. I'll, of course, leave a link to it in the show notes. You can head to life on the brink. Dot live for the show notes for this episode, as well as all the rest of the podcast episodes. Again, I would recommend podcast. Where is it? 114, and episode 107 which were dedicated to pregnancy stuff along the way, if that interests you. And of course, the season finale 115 was talking all about expected or expectations regarding parenthood with my husband. So that will be really, really interesting to revisit in the future, but thank you so much for listening. I hope that you've enjoyed this episode and get excited, get stoked, because next week, we have a continuation of one of my favorite series on this podcast, which is the movie night series. So I will be returning with my sister, hopefully next week, but in the next upcoming episode for sure, to add another movie night episode to the archive. So until then, I hope you have a glorious October week, and that you stay cozy and have a cup of tea on me. Until then, thank you so much for listening. You thank you for tuning in to this episode of Life on the brink. If you're enjoying these episodes, please feel free to leave a star rating, or, even better, leave a review on Apple podcasts to help spread the word for podcast show notes and extra inspirational posts throughout the week, head to the blog at life on the brink. Dot live. And if you'd like a little extra dose of inspiration in your life, sign up for the monthly newsletter, which lights up your inbox the first Friday of each month. Thank you so much for listening, and until next Time, friends, you have a lovely week. Bye. You